You are the centre of your universe. We all are, as everyone thinks about their past, present and future in terms of impact on themselves. There is always something happening in life and it is human nature to react in terms of its direct impact to you, which is often the source of stress. However, what you are often reacting to is what you think the impact will be, the meaning you place on it, and you didn’t get what you wanted.
Life tends to do that, not give you exactly what you want, in the way you want or the timeframe in which you want it. We all have expectations about how life should be for work, family, relationships, health…. and the list goes on.
Now, it would be easy to say “have no expectations” but this is impossible. Everything we do has an expectation attached. If you work late to finish a presentation, you want that to be recognised by the client or your leadership, and even the most altruistic actions, like volunteering for charity, give you an expectation that you’ll feel good about giving back to the community.
So the solution isn’t stopping all expectations, it’s about letting go when your expectations are not met. Letting go is about accepting what is happening and not compounding your disappointment by obsessing, wallowing, and particularly not reacting from a negatively charged place to hurt others.
There is absolutely a need to reflect and learn from experiences; it helps you be a better leader and contributor to all your relationships. But it’s when the overthinking or anxiety impacts on your wellbeing that it’s time to reframe it. Here are my three favourite techniques to improve perspective and move towards letting go.
Good, bad, who knows?
A story with unknown origin and is said to be an old tale of a Chinese farmer and his horse. The story has different variations, but it goes along the line of the farmer buys a new horse, one day the horse runs away. His neighbour comments “how terrible it is”, the farmer says “good, bad, who knows?”. Then the horse returns with 10 wild horses, the neighbour comments “how amazing”, the farmer replies with “good, bad, who knows?”. The farmer’s son gets injured by one of the horses and left with a permanent limp, the neighbour comments “how unfortunate”, “good, bad, who knows?” the farmer responds. Soon war is declared, the young men are collected to serve, however the son cannot go because of his limp. The neighbour exclaims “how lucky you are”, the farmer says “good, bad, who knows?”. The tale continues on.
This tale is relevant to everyone. How many times in your past have you thought an event was “bad” only to understand later that it was blessing in disguise which opened up something much more amazing for your life?
Is there something happening right now for you that you can acknowledge that you just don’t know if it’s truly good or bad? What meaning are you putting on this event or person?
Of course there are devastating events in our lives that cause great pain. This approach does not intend to minimise them and only seeks to help you in recognising how that experience shaped you to who you are today in overcoming the pain.
Writing the alternate story
You see everything from your own experience and through your feelings and emotions. This is your truth. When you don’t get what you want and it involves another person, the default is to see it from your perspective. To preserve our version of the truth. But the other person has their own truth which is just as valid.
This technique requires a notepad and pen. Firstly, start by writing down all that you are thinking about this experience, letting it flow quickly so it is just a constant stream of thoughts being released. No one is going to read it so it doesn’t have to be legible or make sense.
Then, begin writing what could be the other person’s experience or reasons for the event happening. This might feel odd at first because your brain (and ego) is wanting you to win. Just start.
Using an example of you not being successful securing a new client. Your own thoughts might be about how much time and energy you put into the proposal and how disappointed you are. You needed that client to meet your sales target, now your end of year bonus is at risk. The alternate story could be the client went with a company that underquoted the work, the client intended to increase the scope and not pay for extra work and the client knew they couldn’t take advantage of you or perhaps the partner of the client pressured them to go with the other company due to a prior relationship.
I have used this technique many times and often find when I read back what the other person could have experienced, I am immediately empathetic. Thinking if I had been in their shoes, I would have done what they did or at least now understand why it happened. The key is to make everything reasonable for the other person’s story so that your brain can accept it.
With this new perspective what you initially saw as a setback turns out to weaken your hold onto the expectation and outcome you wanted. This is letting go.
Moving through it
Life is going to bring us much joy and love, and it will inevitably also bring stress and pain. If you struggle with your thoughts and feelings in times of high stress, then it’s likely you are suppressing them inside you, being self-critical, pretending they don’t exist or numbing through distractions or substances. Dr Russ Harris wrote in The Happiness Trap that “to increase our happiness, we try hard to avoid or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings – but paradoxically, the more effort we put into this struggle, the more difficult thoughts and feelings we create”.
I have a strong belief that one doesn’t move on from an event or relationship but moves through it. When you didn’t get what you wanted, how can you move towards letting go?
Dropping into your body – focussing on your breath and observing your body can be a circuit breaker. If you are feeling anxious or stressed, just a few rounds of box breathing will calm your nervous system.
Ask yourself what is this costing me to hold on? – are you not present with you the people you care about because you are wrapped up in your thoughts? Is your health declining because the stress has created pain or ulcers?
Acknowledge your pain, respond with kindness – it sucks, it hurts and it’s unfair. Be kind to yourself that it’s ok to feel like this and allow yourself grace to give your body and mind what it needs, remind yourself that emotions change. You are just riding the wave right now. The important part is not to resist it, know the wave will subside.
Connect with someone you trust – talk about what you are experiencing and feeling. Word of caution - don’t go to that person who will feed your sense of injustice. A professional coach or therapist is valuable here because they aren’t emotionally connected to you.
Now as I write this, I am certainly not preaching that I have perfected the art of letting go. I still spend too much energy worrying about the future and analysing what went wrong in the past. But in applying the tools above I have learnt to move through letting go a lot faster than I used to. I leave you with a chorus of one of my favourite songs “This is letting go” by the rock band Rise Against.
Put it on, turn volume to loud and let go.
Go on alone, because I won't follow
But this isn't giving up no this is letting go
Out with the old dreams I've borrowed
The path I carve from here on out will be my own
A path to take me home
- “This is letting go” by Rise Against
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to reach out to share your own experiences on letting go and if you find these techniques helpful.